To Be or Not to Be?

To be, or not to be, that is the question: Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles And by opposing end them.

— William Shakespeare, Hamlet (Act III, Scene I)

I often wonder whether I should live life the way I truly want to live it, or chase the version of life that I believe is considered “successful.” A life full of achievements, recognition, and proof that I mattered.

I am afraid of becoming mediocre. I am afraid of becoming a failure. I want to succeed — but sometimes I cannot even tell whether those desires genuinely come from me, or from the expectations I built around myself over the years.

And then the question appears again:

Is it really worth it?

The energy.
The time.
The sacrifices.
The risks.
The possibility of failing after giving everything.

Is all of that truly worth enduring just to become “successful”?

When I was 17, I worked as a software developer in a SaaS company. I was the youngest person there. At that age, it gave me a huge sense of accomplishment. It made me feel capable. Useful. Ahead of others.

As an organist in my local church, I am still the youngest organist there as of February 2026. I am not the best player, not even close, but serving through music gives me another kind of fulfillment — the feeling that my existence contributes something meaningful to other people.

Academically, I have also tried to become a good student. Good grades, competitions, projects, achievements — they all gave me temporary moments of satisfaction, as if I was slowly building a better future for myself.

But despite all of that, I still do not fully know who I am.

I have dreams, ambitions, and interests, but I constantly question whether they are truly mine, or simply goals I convinced myself I should pursue because they sound impressive.

I am in college now, and I once dreamed of winning many competitions. But reality is far less cinematic. I have only won two competitions in my entire life, and honestly, I do not even know if I can win more than that.

There are people in this field who are simply far better than me.

The same thing happened during my journey as an organist. I met incredible musicians — people whose skills genuinely amazed me. I wanted to become like them so badly.

But when I looked at the reality behind their excellence, I became intimidated.

Hours of practice every single day.
Weekly rehearsals.
Performances every month.
Competitions every year.
Traveling from church to church constantly.

That kind of life demands enormous sacrifice.

And the truth is, I do not know if I can handle it.

My routine is already exhausting enough. College assignments, projects, exams, rehearsals, church services — after classes end, I often have to rush directly to church. Some days feel like they never really stop.

It is tiring.

Sometimes I look around and feel like everyone is slowly becoming someone. Everyone seems fulfilled. Everyone seems certain about where their life is going.

Maybe some of my friends think I already have a good life. Maybe from the outside, it does look that way.

But the truth is, I still feel unfulfilled.

Not because I have achieved nothing, but because I still do not know what kind of life would truly make me feel complete.