The Consolidation Phase.

I get this weird feeling these days:

I recently achieved things I used to chase. I won a major international-scale hackathon, won few national competitions, did some high-paying project, got accepted into Apple Developer Academy, and somehow, instead of wanting to chase the next competition, I feel like stopping now?

I got the momentum right this year: Won competitions, got exposure, another achievement potential. But I want to chase another things?

It is no like I’m not grateful, or something like “losing my ambition..” I don’t think I want less from myself. I think I want less from the approval that comes from what I do. I really want to appreciate myself for things I enjoy silently.

Lately I’ve tried but I can’t find it in my heart to chase those lights.

I’ve spent months expanding:

1. Learning new things
2. Joining competitions
3. Building projects
4. collecting experiences
5. pursuing difficult goals
6. trying to become impressive

But this kinda expanding shouldn’t be the only way of growth. Sometimes I need to stop adding stuff and ask “what do I actually want to keep?”

For this semester, I don’t want to fill EVERY hour with competitions. I want to take my course seriously (and not just surviving it), learn something outside college, build skill for myself, then actually rest after finals. I really want to choose depth instead of just accumulations.

This is not only about college, I’m a musician in my church too. Back in the days, I wanted to become the organist who could play with professional choirs, handle impressive repertoire, and be recognized as a prestigious musician. Don’t get me wrong, I still want to improve technically and I still love good repertoire. But now I just want to serve a simple mass well.

Talk about validation

I am becoming less interested in being impressive and more interested in being fulfilled by what I do. A competition can be impressive but doesn’t give a real impact or purpose. Maybe doing other things like study/learn things I’ve been procastinating, write music that I cancelled for months, or evoking my old hobby like drawing, are more meaningful than chasing another lifeless validation..

I never said I really liked drawing, gotta show my old drawings someday.

Also someone offered me a remote job with AI & Automation role, but I don’t have any experiences in Agentic AI so they ghosted me even though the interview went very well. I should’ve not delayed to learn Agentic AI back in the days (another opportunity missed -_-)

And after finals, I really wanna take a deep rest: Just play campaign games, hang out, sleep properly, do physical exercises, write musics I want to write from long ago, and preparing for another chapter in this span of time. Then toward the end of February start getting myself mentally and practically ready for ADA.

Afterwords

I know another intense chapter is coming in March 2027. So perhaps the right thing to do isn’t to fill every remaining month with achievements. It is to slow down, consolidate what I’ve learned, study seriously, explore something completely different, rest, and arrive at the next chapter with enough energy to actually enjoy it.

I want to take a break from moving mountains, just slowing down, and living a life I don’t write about.